Callin' Collin: Dating Advice/Transcript
Mallory: I'm Collin. I'm eleven. I wrote an advice column for my school and it must have been good, because now I have a podcast, and the rest is history, as they say, and such. You're watching Callin' Collin. Mallory: Let's do this. Mallory: Hey, you called Callin' Collin, what's up, what's up? Tori: Hi Collin. Love the show. Mallory: Thank you very much, sir. Tori: Well, I called because I found out I'm the only girl in my class who didn't pass the bar exam. Do you think I should try again, or... Mallory: Wait. Are you a girl? Tori: Yeah. Mallory: Whoa, whoa. Has anyone ever told you that you have major man-voice before? Tori: Not really, no. Mallory: Okay. Forget everything about your other problems and just focus on this. You sound like a full dude. Tori: Really? I don't think I do. Mallory: Take it from me, if... if my voice sounded like yours, I would be out of the woods on puberty and I am not. I am furious about it all the time. Yeah. My mom says that I might bloom late. I don't... I don't like it when she says that. Hello? Tori: Look, I'm not sure that this really matters, so... Mallory: What do you look like? Tori: I don't know, normal? I've always focused more on my personality and intelligence... could we get back to... Mallory: I can't help her. No one can. Okay. And now for a word from our sponsors, JanSport backpacks! Backpacks, they hold your things your pencils and your paper and all your push..ings, so put your things in them JanSport! Taste the backpack Mallory: You called Callin' Collin, what's up, what's up? Adam: Hey Collin, so I have this big crush on a woman that I work with. How do I get her to notice me? Mallory: Caller, okay, as my kind-of-scary grandfather always says: "Women are rare, weak flowers", and I'll have you know that I once dated a girl for 3.25 weeks, so you came to the right place. Let me ask you this: Have you tried writing her a note or never looking directly at her? Adam: Yeah? I mean, I've emailed her, it's just like I'm invisible though. Mallory: Okay, then listen to me. I think your best option here is to get so fat that she literally cannot ignore your physical presence. Like if... if you could get it so that some of your new body is flopping onto her desk a little bit, then I think you're in. Adam: Well... Mallory: Like, just eat all of your feelings of love for her until she can't not notice you, you know, because your belly is touching her pens. Adam: I'm not sure that would be healthy. Mallory: Well, again, as my grandfather says, "Shut your hole unless you're dying." Adam: What? Mallory: He says it sometimes when I cry, but I don't do that a lot. Okay, cool. Bye! Mallory: And that's all the time we have for today. Can't wait to get back to class with my five-compartment JanSport backpack that comes in seven different shades and patterns. Hooray! Urgh. Stupid thing. Category:Season 8